My husband jokes that the only difference between a toddler and a middle schooler is the need for potty training. With the pendulum of emotions and smells that pervade our home raising a ten-, twelve-, and fourteen-year-old, I must agree.
While keeping a toddler alive and happy is its own kind of hard, parenting preteens and teens feels next level. These pre-adults are dealing with hormones and the emotions that come along for the ride. They crave privacy and independence. They may experiment with pushing boundaries. They have the influence of friends invading a space that used to be mom and dad’s domain.
And although our kids still need us, they need us in a different way. How are we to navigate this new phase?
Here are seven practices to help you navigate the preteen and teen years of parenting:
Between school, sports, clubs, and youth events you may find yourself in the car with your teen more than any other place. Although Uber driver and social activities coordinator may not be impressive on your work resume, being present for those drive times with your teen is important.
One way to engage your teen during these car rides is to ask thoughtful questions. Not “How was your day?” but “How was that test?” Pay attention to what your teen values. You may still be met with a grunt but your teen hearing you ask about a specific part of their day that is important to them matters even if all they do is grunt back, “good.”
Toddlers are little chatterboxes. They ask questions and—before we have responded to their first question—they ask a second and third question. As children age, their questions and chatter slow. The worlds they readily welcomed us to be a part of become more exclusive. Friends become their sounding board. Their incessant outer dialogue and curiosity move inward.
That can be hard to take in, but it just means we need to listen and pay attention both to what they are saying and what they are not saying. Has your daughter stopped talking about her best friend? Did your son mention an audition coming up? Are they really excited about a playoff game? Your kids may not be as free with their words these days, but by paying attention, you’ll be ready for those moments when they open up to respond in a way that says, “I’m listening.”
In the classic movie The Princess Bride, Buttercup learns that the farm boy Westley is saying, “I love you,” every time he responds to her requests with “As you wish.” One of the loudest ways we can say to our teens and preteens that we love them is by being present. Save the phone call for later. Delay the email. Sign off social media. Be in the moment with your kids. That time with your kids—even if they are reluctant to engage in conversation—speaks, “I love you” even louder than Westley’s “As you wish.”
When our kids were little, we often put them in time out for poor choices. This five-minute punishment was our way of helping them understand the consequences of their actions. And it usually worked well. It can be tempting to think the same approach will work for our preteens and teens.
In their search for identity, our kids will make mistakes. Time-outs won’t work and neither will verbal reprimands. That doesn’t mean their actions are without consequences. They may have to pass on a meet-up with friends or go without tech until they raise their grades, but they don’t necessarily need a polished lecture.
You probably know what I’m talking about. We oftenfeel tempted to start a “When I was your age” Ted Talk when what our kids really need is quiet to process what they are feeling and maybe a well-worded question that helps them think it through.
Ironically, as our kids age, we may need to put ourselves in timeout—our words at least. There are days when I really ought to have James 1:19 tattooed to my wrist. “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” This means holding off on the lecture. It means realizing that just like you make mistakes being parents, your kids will make mistakes being kids. It means modeling restraint and understanding.
No parent is perfect. Let that settle in your mind and heart. You will make mistakes—and your teen needs to hear, “I was wrong. Will you forgive me?” This is an important practice at any stage but especially in a time when your teen may be terrified to be wrong or reluctant to confide in you that she messed up. If you can make mistakes and seek reconciliation, it gives her permission to make mistakes and seek forgiveness.
While kids need their parents at every stage of development, they start to lean on outside voices in their teen years. Because your teens will be listening to the voices of peers and other adults, you must also invite voices of faith into the conversation. Small group leaders. The student pastor. Parents of your teen’s friends. Our teens and preteens need to hear the values you uphold from other people. It sends a message to our kids that sounds something like: “These adults I trust are saying the same things my parents have been saying for years. Maybe there is something to this.”
When my kids were little, I found it easy to turn everyday moments into spiritual ones. “Look at the trees! Who made the trees?” I would ask my toddler crew. They would joyfully reply, “God!” “That’s right,” I’d respond. “God made the trees. Let’s pray and thank God for them.” They would fold their tiny hands and thank God for the trees.
As they’ve aged, those conversations don’t come as naturally. Of course, we can still thank God for the trees, but that suggestion is often met with an eye roll. Despite what may feel awkward, don’t give up on making faith a part of your daily interactions with your teens. Encourage your teen to look for God at work in her day. Thank God for the grace he gave your son to study for a hard test. Encourage your daughter to rely on God when best friends become bullies. We can help our kids see that the God who made the trees is present in the spaces that matter to them.
Parenting teens may not be as harrowing as the toddler years, but there’s a huge learning curve for how we interact with and react to our maturing brood. Lean into the strength that only the Lord can provide and love them well. Learn to listen more than you speak. And point them repeatedly to Christ. Even if they roll their eyes. And refuse to use deodorant.
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